Forgive My Ugly Heart
by LuckyLadybug
Summary: Oneshot, post-series Big 5 fic. Nesbitt awakens holding his bloodied kendo bokken and finds Lector lying beaten in front of him. The only thing Nesbitt can think is that he did it himself.


**Yu-Gi-Oh!**

**Forgive My Ugly Heart**

**By Lucky_Ladybug**

**Notes: The characters are not mine and the story is! This takes place post-canon with the Big Five restored to their bodies and trying to live honestly, the events of which are detailed in many stories I've written that are part of my **_**Pendulum Swings**_** verse. Off and on I've been writing some short stories for the Big Five at the Livejournal and Dreamwidth community 31 Days, most of which are gratuitous hurt/comfort pieces for myself to enjoy. I liked this piece so much I wanted to post it other places too. I wrote it with the April 2nd 2019 prompt **_**I smelled betrayal on your hands. **_**The title is from a song called **_**Forgive Me Friend,**_** which I didn't know existed ten minutes ago. I was looking up lyrics for a different song, stumbled on this one, and felt it was perfect.**

It was bewildering to suddenly realize he was kneeling on the cold ground with no idea what he was doing there.

Nesbitt looked around, his heart pounding in his ears as he tried to make sense of it all. His right hand was wrapped around something. A quick glance down told him it was his kendo bokken.

He also caught a glimpse of a lifeless tan-skinned hand when he looked down.

The bokken dropped from his grasp. "Lector?! _Lector?!_" Nesbitt stared in horror at his friend's motionless body. Lector was laying prone on the ground right in front of Nesbitt. Blood was oozing from his cut cheek, and the hand Nesbitt had spotted looked bruised and sore. From how rumpled his clothes were, it was likely that there were more injuries where Nesbitt couldn't see.

The first thing he had to do was to make sure Lector was still alive. Thank God, he could feel the breath on his hand, and the pulse rate didn't seem too abnormal.

His hands shaking, he tried to feel for serious head injuries. When he felt a cruel bump under Lector's hair, his blood ran chill. "No. . . ."

What on Earth had happened? How had Lector ended up so badly beaten? He would never just stand by and let himself get beaten up, and he was such a big, strong man. The other guy must look just as bad, if not worse.

Unless . . .

Nesbitt looked down at the bokken again. There was obviously blood at one end of it. Fresh blood too, still red. . . .

He fell back with a choked cry. He couldn't remember anything that had happened. What if he and Lector had been arguing and he had actually started striking Lector with his bokken? Maybe he had lost himself in his rage and then blocked the memory in utter horror. Lector would have been too shocked to protect himself at first, and then it would have been too late. . . .

Maybe?

If he hadn't done it, how had his weapon gotten out here at all, with him holding it? That had to be what had happened. Everyone knew how thoughtless and careless he could be when he became angry or prideful. He had shoved Johnson rather cruelly out of the way in Noa's world. He had never actually beaten any of the others up before, but if his temper snapped while he was holding a weapon, he could picture himself using it.

"No. . . ." The bokken dropped from his grasp and clattered in the street. He couldn't handle it now; it felt repugnant in his hand. He fumbled, trying to get his phone out of his pocket while his hands were shaking so badly he could barely control them to dial. He had beat Lector Heaven knew how badly. He was the worst kind of vile monster. He didn't deserve to live! . . .

"Help," he rasped when a KaibaCorp operator came on the line. "My friend's been badly beaten. . . . It must have been with a kendo bokken. . . . I . . . I must have done it . . . !" He trailed off with a choked sob.

He barely processed what the operator was saying next. He remembered looking up and seeing the street signs and giving their location, but nothing else. He hung up and sobbed, digging his hands into his hair.

"Lector, wake up!" he begged. "I didn't mean to. . . . I'd never want to . . ."

It sounded so hollow. He had done it; what else mattered?

When the police arrived along with the KaibaCorp infirmary ambulance, he willingly held out his wrists to be handcuffed.

xxxx

_Nesbitt didn't know what to expect when he was hired to work at KaibaCorp. They were among the most prestigious weapons manufacturers and it had been an honor for him to be accepted. His family was thrilled right along with him, although to his dismay and frustration his mother kept gushing about being able to find someone to marry at the company._

"_It's just not normal for someone to not be interested in romance and sex," she told him many times._

_He always gritted his teeth and listened and then choked out the response he gave every time. "I don't care. You know I've always done my own thing, no matter what anyone else thinks. The only kind of passion I have is for my machines."_

"_I'm sure you'll find a nice girl at KaibaCorp and you'll finally change your mind," she said._

_His eye started to twitch. "I'm not interested, Mother!"_

"_At this point, I'd be glad for you to get interested in someone, anyone, just so we'd know there's nothing wrong with you, Robert," she lamented._

_The term "asexual" had just started to really come into the public eye not long before that, but even though Nesbitt knew that's what he was, many people could not grasp the concept of someone who felt no sexual desire. Some, like Nesbitt's family, were convinced that there had to be something medically or mentally wrong for someone to be like that. In addition, Nesbitt was also aromantic. He had never felt any romantic feelings or attraction for anyone, even innocent crushes. It was beyond his family's ability to deal with. They had never supported or even just respected their son's feelings, and after years of experiencing them always trying to set him up on dates he didn't want, he was about at his wit's end._

_He was already in a bad mood from his conversation with his mother when he arrived at KaibaCorp that morning. When he was told to report to his new boss Démas Lector, he went with some reluctance. He had been told that Lector was a no-nonsense person, which he understood, but that Lector was always polite, which made him wary. In his mind, "always polite" translated to fake, particularly considering that his family always presented themselves as model citizens to the public yet privately treated him as if he had some kind of disease. He had always struggled with holding his temper, and ever since this problem with his family had started in his puberty he had found himself feeling like punching his father out on occasion. That had terrified him into seeking another way to release his frustrations, so in his spare time he attended a kendo school._

_He didn't know what he was expecting when he was shown into Lector's office. The broad man sitting behind the desk certainly looked no-nonsense, and when he stood to greet his new employee Nesbitt found that he was very tall._

"_Good morning, Mr. Nesbitt," Lector said in a pronounced Southern gentlemanly drawl. He gave a slight bow before reaching to shake Nesbitt's hand. "I hope that you will find your stay with us both profitable and pleasant."_

"_Thank you," Nesbitt replied, shaking Lector's hand._

"_I looked over all of your designs," Lector said. "I believe your visions will meld perfectly with those of the Kaiba Corporation's."_

"_I'm honored," Nesbitt said._

"_I only have one question," Lector said. "I was told that you displayed an impatient streak during your hiring interview. You do know how to be patient, don't you, Mr. Nesbitt?"_

_Nesbitt clenched his teeth in frustration behind closed lips. He had been afraid that the person who had interviewed him had picked up on his impatience. The interview had been long and he had started to get restless._

"_Yes, I do," he said finally, keeping his tone clipped._

"_Good. Sometimes it will be necessary to be patient," Lector said. "Things don't always occur on the time table we would personally wish."_

"_I understand," Nesbitt said, even as he started to feel a familiar aggravation rising in his stomach. He was indeed going to have trouble getting along with this man._

_xxxx_

_Over the next weeks, Nesbitt's life was a strange mixture of stress and fulfillment. He loved designing machines for KaibaCorp, and KaibaCorp loved his machines. He continued to have problems with Lector; they were each very stubborn and immovable on their views, and while he sometimes grew impulsive or recklessly arrogant, Lector grew frustrated at his behavior to the point of really wanting to fire him. But he always pushed his feelings aside because Nesbitt's work was so valuable._

_Nesbitt's family continued to try to push him, as they had for years. Many evenings he would come home from work to find messages about meeting them for dinner, which he had learned really meant "Come on another blind date we've set up at dinner." He had lost count of all the people they had tried to set him up with. By now he would often simply refuse to attend, saying he was too busy or too exhausted. If they kept pushing, he would turn off his phone and either go out to eat by himself or just crash on the bed and go to sleep early._

_The bizarre thing was, even as he drifted further away from his family, there was a part of him that was ever so slowly warming up to Lector. The man truly had been raised to be polite, but even though he had moments where he finally showed some temper due to frustrations with Nesbitt, he wasn't what Nesbitt would call fake. He was an honest man who had worked his way up to his position of power all on his own, without cheating or using people as some of Nesbitt's coworkers bragged about doing. Nesbitt respected that._

_What he could not respect any longer was how his family treated him. One evening he did go over for dinner, once he was sure there wasn't another blind date set up, and soon found himself in the same argument as always._

"_Look," he finally snarled, throwing his napkin down on his empty plate, "this has been going on since I was twelve years old. Don't you think it's about time it stopped?"_

"_We're only worried about you, Robert," his mother insisted._

"_But I'm an adult now and I've chosen my own life," Nesbitt replied. "Only I never actually chose not to be interested in romance and sex; I just never have been! I don't know how to explain that to people who can't understand it."_

"_It's not just that you've never had that biological desire," his father said, "it's that you've never wanted to change and try to find it! I have heard about these asexuals or whatever you call them. A lot of them know something's wrong with them and they try desperately to change themselves, to be normal!"_

"_There's nothing wrong with us!" Nesbitt boomed. "I'll admit I've wondered myself at times why I'm not like what you want me to be. But I've never wanted to try to change myself because I'm happy with who I am! And at the heart of it, that's what you really don't understand!" He pushed back his chair and stepped away from the table. "Those asexuals who try to change themselves, they're not happy doing that and they never really do change."_

"_Robert, please don't go away angry," his mother said._

_Nesbitt growled. "I've really had enough, from all of you. I don't expect you to understand or even agree with me, just to respect my life, and you can't even do that. If you can't accept who I am, then I really don't want to hear anything more from any of you!"_

_He did leave angry, and he soon found that he really didn't hear anything more from anyone in his family. He had mixed feelings about that as well. It was a relief to not be contacted any more with blind dates or pointless arguments about his preferences. But it hurt him deeply that his family wasn't willing to even try to respect him, that they preferred cutting off all communications to being with him when he was what he was._

_It wasn't long after that when he was hard at work sketching a new submarine design and Lector suddenly appeared at his desk. "Mr. Nesbitt?"_

_Nesbitt started and looked up. "What is it, Sir?"_

"_My friend Mr. Crump down in accounting asked me if you would be interested in double-dating with him tonight," Lector said. "I told him I didn't think so, but he wanted me to ask you anyway. Apparently the young lady he wants to take on a date tonight will only go if there's someone for her sister as well."_

_Nesbitt set down his pencil. "No, I wouldn't be interested." He paused, confused. "But . . . how did you already know that?"_

"_When you're around someone day in and day out, you start to get to know what they're like," Lector said._

"_And . . . this doesn't bother you?" Nesbitt asked. It hadn't only been his family, even though they were the ones who had hurt him the most deeply about it. His acquaintances hadn't understood either. And at work, he sometimes heard some of the other engineers snickering about him behind his back._

_Lector gave him a strange look. "Why should it? It certainly doesn't affect your work, and regardless, it's neither here nor there to me what someone does with his life as long as he's not hurting anyone else."_

_Nesbitt had to look away, stunned. He had always felt Lector judged him, but now, on something so personal and integral to him, Lector was the only one so far who respected him. Maybe . . . maybe Nesbitt had misjudged him._

_They still had a long way to go to become close friends, but this was a huge step in that direction._

xxxx

Nesbitt didn't know how long he had been sitting in anguish in the interrogation room when the door opened. He looked up, certain he would see police detectives demanding to know why he did it. But instead it was a badly shaken and heartbroken Johnson.

That was worse. Nesbitt looked away. How could he possibly face his friend now?

"Nesbitt, what is this?" Johnson cried.

Nesbitt gave a barely perceptible shrug. "I left a message with Gansley's maid."

"You said Lector was at the KaibaCorp infirmary because you beat him up!" Johnson sat down across from him and reached across the table to grip Nesbitt's upper arm. "How can you honestly believe you would do something like that?!"

"I don't know!" Nesbitt suddenly screamed. "It's the only thing that makes sense! I woke up remembering nothing, but I was holding my bloodied bokken and Lector was lying beaten and unconscious right in front of me! What else is there to think?!"

"There has to be another explanation!" Johnson insisted. "And we're going to find it. Come on, I've paid your bail."

Nesbitt slowly turned back to look at him. "How can you do that?" he said in horror. "How can you turn a monster like me back on the streets?! I might attack you next!"

The shattered look in Johnson's eyes almost made him wish he could take back what he had said. But then Johnson turned, letting the light reflect off his glasses and obscure his expression. "You're not going to attack your lawyer," he said. "Let's go."

Badly shaken, Nesbitt got up from the table and followed Johnson out of the room. "Is there any news about Lector?" he pleaded.

"No," Johnson said. "Gansley and Crump went to see about him while I came to get you." He spoke smoothly, but there was a definite stiffness to his tone as well.

It wasn't until they were leaving the police station that Gansley called Johnson again. Johnson only spoke to him briefly before hanging up.

"Well?!" Nesbitt demanded.

"Lector isn't awake yet," Johnson said. "The tests didn't show any serious injuries, but the fact that he's not awake is serious enough. Gansley and Crump are bringing him back home, along with a doctor."

Nesbitt stiffened. "Why back home?"

"They knew he would prefer that," Johnson said. "They hoped maybe being in familiar surroundings would help him wake up sooner."

"He'll never forgive me," Nesbitt said, "and I won't either."

Johnson hauled open the door of his car. "Get in."

Nesbitt sank into the passenger seat. Johnson was disappointed in him. Of course, how could he not be? Gansley and Crump no doubt were as well. He had always had a bad temper, but he had never physically attacked any of the others. His arguments with Lector had always been verbal only. How could he have done something like this?!

Johnson wouldn't speak as he drove, instead preferring to stare straight ahead at the road. His knuckles on the steering wheel were sheet-white. Nesbitt couldn't think of any more to say, either, so he stayed quiet.

When they arrived at Lector's house, Johnson got out first. Nesbitt was still sitting where he was, not sure if or when he would ever move. "Come on," Johnson said at last, his voice still stiff and cold.

Nesbitt slowly got out of the car and plodded after Johnson up to the porch. "I can't face them," he protested. "I know I can never see Lector again. What am I even doing here?!"

Johnson snapped. He spun around, eyes flashing as he stared down his devastated friend. "You're here because you're worried about Lector!" he screamed. "You're not the kind of person who would physically assault his best friend, even in a heated argument! Everyone around you knows that; why can't you?!"

Nesbitt rocked back, just staring at Johnson in disbelief. Johnson spun away, heart pounding, and stormed inside with his key. Nesbitt trailed after him, finally finding his voice in the entryway. "None of you really know the kind of person I am! I do!"

"Calm down, both of you!" Gansley said sternly from the living room.

Nesbitt and Johnson turned away from each other.

"I never thought I'd see the two of you fighting," Gansley frowned.

"I never thought I'd see Nesbitt so completely insistent that he beat Lector!" Johnson cried. "He didn't do it!"

"Of course he didn't do it," Gansley retorted, "but do you think you're making the situation better?"

"I can't stand this!" Johnson screamed. "Lector's hurt and Nesbitt is convinced he's a criminal . . . !" He trailed off and turned away, choking on a sob.

"I am a criminal!" Nesbitt screamed back. "If Crump heard the evidence, he'd say it all adds up!"

"No, he wouldn't!" Crump boomed from the stairs. "Nesbitt, you're adding two and two and getting one!"

"Then who hurt Lector?!" Nesbitt demanded. "Who could have used my bokken to beat him up?!"

"Are you positive it even is yours?" Gansley asked.

"Yes!" Nesbitt insisted. "It has my initials on it, right where I put them!"

"Then someone took it," Gansley said. "Or you had it with you for a completely innocent reason! You don't remember, Nesbitt. That means the truth could be one of many things! The only thing any of us know for sure is that you didn't do this! You're condemning yourself without a fair trial!"

"I don't deserve one," Nesbitt spat. "You all should have gotten away from me while you still could! You should still go before I beat all of you!"

"Nesbitt, what will it take to calm you down?" Gansley wanted to know.

"I don't know that anything can!" Nesbitt snarled.

Gansley sighed. "Come up with us," he implored. "We'll all keep vigil over Lector together. When he wakes up, he'll tell us the truth of what happened."

"You'll all be disappointed for believing in me," Nesbitt said. "I'm no good. I knew that long ago." He stormed up the stairs but stood in the hall, unable to make himself actually go in and face Lector. It was better not to see him again. How could he bear seeing Lector lying hurt and knowing it was his fault?

"Nesbitt." It was Gansley again.

Nesbitt frowned, turning to face his leader. "What."

"Do you trust us?"

Nesbitt stared at him in disbelief. "What do you mean, do I trust you?!" he cried. "Of course I trust all of you! It's myself I don't trust!"

"You're too upset to really think straight right now," Gansley said. "But all of us trust you. That should mean something. If you trust us, you'll stop and listen to what we're saying and not just dismiss it thinking you know better. We all know your good heart."

"You're really a big softie," Crump added. "Sure you blow up and snap and growl when you're upset, but you'd never lose yourself so much that you'd beat a buddy to a pulp!"

Johnson finally turned back, and to Nesbitt's shock, he looked like he was trying not to cry. "You scolded me for not recognizing my worth back in New Orleans," he said, "but the same should apply to you! I can't stand to see you acting this way, because I know you're so much better than what you're thinking you are!"

Nesbitt looked down. ". . . I'm sorry," he said. "I was so caught up in believing what seemed to be the truth that I didn't even stop to think that maybe all of you wouldn't feel the same way. I thought you couldn't possibly still find anything good in me."

Crump drew an arm around his shoulders. "Hey, maybe any of us would have thought the same stuff if we were in your shoes," he said.

Nesbitt looked to the bedroom. "What if Lector . . . ?"

"Lector would never think you would hurt him like that," Gansley interrupted. "Lector knows what a good person you are as well."

Finally Nesbitt nodded. "Alright. I'll go in with him."

"Good," Gansley said.

They all stepped into the bedroom. Nesbitt had to draw a sharp intake of breath when he saw Lector lying in the bed with his pajama top open, revealing more of the harsh bruises across his body. "If I didn't do this, who did?" Nesbitt rasped.

"Hopefully Lector will be able to tell us," Gansley said. He walked over to the bed and gently buttoned Lector's shirt.

Nesbitt sank down by the side of the bed. "Please wake up," he whispered. "Whether I did this or not, I just want you to be alright. . . ." He clasped his hands and desperately prayed.

xxxx

_Lector had found Nesbitt frustrating practically from day one. His arrogant and reckless behavior badly clashed with Lector's strategic, thoughtful approach to life and everything in it. Nesbitt tried not to raise his voice when Lector was his boss, but they still managed to get into some very intense arguments, to the point that whenever the two of them met, many employees in the immediate area fled if they could. Others, who enjoyed confrontations, hung around to see what would happen next._

_Although Lector found Nesbitt endlessly frustrating, he respected the engineer's creativity and ideas. At the same time, he was sure that Nesbitt thoroughly hated him, so it surprised him to no end when Nesbitt gradually started to cool off and even to act genuinely nice with him sometimes. When Nesbitt actually punched out a disagreeable employee who started making racist comments about Lector, Lector couldn't have been more bowled over. He found himself wondering if he had been too harsh with Nesbitt, so he often softened his approach despite still not agreeing with Nesbitt on many things._

_Their friendship happened very slowly, without either of them really realizing it. Although they both believed later that they hadn't really started to understand each other until they were on equal ground as part of the Big Five, the groundwork was laid before that. Occasionally, when one of them was working late, the other would find him and talk for a few minutes. It surprised them both that they actually could be civil towards each other, and that they looked forward to those conversations._

_By the time they were in the Big Five and their understanding of each other was growing deeper, they realized that they trusted each other despite their continuing problems getting along. Throughout all the heartache and Hell they started going through from the point they decided to help Seto take control of KaibaCorp, and their ensuing arguments, that trust held strong. When they were finally restored to their bodies along with their friends and they mutually wanted to try living in the light, they found that they all loved each other like family. Nesbitt, who had long ago not known how he would tolerate Lector as his boss every day, had come to feel that Lector was his best friend. And Lector, who had wanted more than once to fire Nesbitt but had pushed his personal feelings aside, trusted Nesbitt with his life. Each knew that he couldn't bear it without the other, and the rest of the Big Five knew it as well. Their bond was unusual, but strong and true._

xxxx

It was nearing morning when Lector started to revive at last. Nesbitt was still fully awake, but some of the others had started to unwillingly doze. When Lector stirred, however, they all snapped to.

"Lector!" Johnson exclaimed. "How are you feeling?!"

Lector grimaced. "I've been better. But what about Nesbitt?! Is he hurt?!"

Stunned, Nesbitt leaned over into his line of vision. "I'm here. . . . I'm not hurt. . . ."

"But he thinks he beat you up!" Crump cried. "He doesn't remember what happened!"

Lector immediately reached and grabbed Nesbitt's wrist, his eyes sickened and sad. "Nesbitt, you tried to save me," he said. "You didn't hurt me!"

Nesbitt stared at him. "But . . . my bokken . . ."

"That creature Yami Marik took it and attacked me with it," Lector said. "I fought back as best as I could, but I wasn't able to do much against that demon. Then you came charging out and wrenched the bokken away from him and started attacking him with it!"

"I beat _him?_" Nesbitt said in disbelief.

"Yes, to save me," Lector insisted.

Gansley smiled. They had known all along that it would have to be something like that. Now Nesbitt finally knew it too.

". . . I was always so afraid I'd snap and physically harm someone I cared about someday," Nesbitt choked out. "That was why I started taking kendo classes in the first place, to try to channel my anger into something productive. And then I thought I beat you up with my bokken. . . ." He stared at Lector, still reeling from the news of the truth.

"You would never do that," Lector said.

"I'll bet Yami Marik cast a spell on you so you'd forget, because he was hoping you'd think you hurt Lector!" Crump burst out.

Nesbitt slumped back. That did sound like something Yami Marik would do. ". . . I really didn't hurt you. . . ." He stared at Lector in awe.

"Of course you didn't," Lector insisted.

"Nesbitt actually got himself arrested because he was so sure he did it," Crump said.

Lector started. "Then I need to talk to the police right now and set the record straight."

"Lector, you need to rest," Gansley said. "We can get everything straightened out later today."

"No, it has to be now," Lector said. "I won't be able to rest until they know the truth." He forced himself to sit up, grimacing at the pain.

"Then at least compromise with a video call," Gansley pleaded.

Lector weakly nodded. "Alright. . . ."

It only made Nesbitt worry more that Lector so readily agreed. Yami Marik had really badly hurt him, and he wasn't able to hide it.

Yami Marik, though. . . . Not him. . . .

". . . Please forgive me for not believing you about your faith in me," he rasped. "I was too upset to listen."

"Hey, you thought you'd beat up Lector," Crump said. "That's more than enough reason to be too upset to listen."

"But if you had more faith in yourself, you wouldn't have been so dead-set on thinking that in the first place," Lector said sadly as he dialed the police station on his phone.

"I know," Nesbitt said. Over the course of their adventures and all the times he had said hurtful things to Lector, his self-confidence had drastically plummeted. He honestly didn't know if he ever could get it back. Lector especially had worried about that, and he imagined that now the others were probably worrying likewise. But Lector was going to be alright, and he had revealed that Nesbitt hadn't hurt him. That was all Nesbitt cared about at the moment, and it might help his self-worth in the end to know that he wasn't as far gone as he had feared.

xxxx

The police were stunned but relieved to receive the call from Lector. An officer came over immediately to get a statement from him, much to Nesbitt's displeasure, but they were quick and soon departed to allow Lector to rest.

Now confident that Nesbitt was safe, Lector sank back into the bed and the pillow at last. "I wish I hadn't had to say that the trauma from watching me get hurt must have made you forget the truth," he lamented.

"Well, it's not like you could say my memory was probably magically wiped," Nesbitt grunted. "Anyway, it's my own fault for telling that operator I must have done it. She called the police on me."

"At least you sound more like yourself now," Johnson said. He sighed. "I'm sorry I wasn't more supportive and helpful. Gansley and then of course Lector told you what you needed to hear."

"All of you did, including you," Nesbitt said. "And you got me out of jail. Thank you. . . ."

"I'm glad I could do that much," Johnson said. ". . . I was so shocked when your message came through. . . . Well, all of us were."

"But we didn't believe it for a moment," Gansley insisted.

Crump nodded. "We all knew something else had to be going on."

"You all believe in me so much," Nesbitt said.

"Because you deserve it," Lector said. He laid his bruised hand on Nesbitt's. "Thank you, my dear friend."

Overcome with emotion, Nesbitt gently rested his other hand on Lector's. "Yeah," was all he managed to say.


End file.
